On Marriage (Khalil Gibran)

From “The Prophet”, by Kahlil Gibran.

On Marriage

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

(Ney York City, 1923)

* * * * * * *

Del libro, “El Profeta”,  de  Khalil Gibran

Sobre el matrimonio

Nacisteis juntos, y juntos permaneceréis por siempre jamás. 

Estaréis juntos, aun cuando las blancas alas de la muerte pretendan separar vuestros días.

¡Ay! Seguiréis estando juntos, incluso en el silencioso recuerdo de Dios. 

Más, dejad que, en vuestra unión, existan espacios, 

Y permitid que los vientos de los cielos bailen entre vosotros.

Amaros el uno al otro, pero no hagáis de vuestro amor una carga:

Más bien dejad que sea un mar meciéndose entre las orillas de vuestras almas. 

Llenad, cada uno, la copa del otro pero no bebáis de la misma copa.

Compartid vuestro pan,  mas no comáis del mismo trozo.

Cantad y bailad juntos y sed alegres, pero permitid que cada uno pueda estar solo,

Hasta las cuerdas de un laúd están separadas, aunque vibren con la misma música. 

Entregad vuestros corazones, pero no para que, cada uno, esté a cargo del otro.

Pues tan sólo la mano de la Vida puede poseer vuestros corazones. 

Y permaneced juntos, aunque no demasiado próximos:

Porque los pilares del templo se sostienen por separado, 

Y ni el roble ni el ciprés crecen el uno a la sombra del otro.

(Versión inglesa, publicada en Nueva York, en 1923).

The main target for adolescents must be to discover who they are

During our teens’ high school years, they must have different opportunities for being able to explore their interests and dreams, to discover what is a passion and gives them a sense to their lives.

Even though our days may be overscheduled and stressful, we must do an effort to permit that the future of our teens would not be the same as ours. We need to remember that our teenagers need plenty of time of reduced activity or inactivity. We have to be very careful not to overload them by always imposing a goal-directed schedule. After all, the main job of adolescents is to discover who they are. This is their time to explore friendships and love, their talents and dreams… We need to make sure that our teens have the unstructured time they need to just “hang out” and do “nothing” while they discover who they really are, and who they want to become.

As parents, we need to respect the time our teenagers need for their own self-discovery. What looks like doing “nothing” may be extremely important time for them to reflect, relax, and figure out where they would be willing to go. This is an important part of growing up, and it prepares teens for the inevitable stresses of their young adulthood. In a few short years they will be making decisions about college, careers, and love relationships that will contribute to shape the rest of their lives. The more they learn about themselves now, the wiser they will be when it comes the moment to take those decisions.

What is your opinion?

Bibliography:

"Teenagers Learn What They Live, Parenting to Inspire Integrity & Independence", written by Dorothy Law Nolte and Rachel Harris.

Para leerlo en español, por favor, accede al siguiente enlace:

http://undiaconilusion.blogspot.com.es/2016/05/la-principal-tarea-de-los-adolescentes.html

If teenagers live with pressure, they learn to be stressed

We all know that stress is part of our lives. There are professional, social and personal obligations that seem to keep us running from one task to another.

Life can be just as busy for our teenagers, with their studies, sports, extracurricular activities and, sometimes, with a job. Our teens may feel pressures, from all directions, to achieve, to fit in, to behave, to take risks, to compete, and finally, to understand themselves and learn about others.

Our teenagers learn how to handle the pressure in their lives by watching how we handle with different things in ours. Our capacity to face the multifaceted demands we must afford, is the model we give our teens.

Adolescence is a difficult age for kids. Teens do not seem to look much upon us and they talk very little at home, but they still need of our help and our advice.

If we are overwhelmed with our responsibilities and our own problems, it may be difficult for our teens to get our attention. They will try to communicate with us but, unfortunately, there are moments when we do not listen to them as they would need.

It is not good to be, very often, remembering them all the never-ending list of things they must do. If we have a number of things we want them to accomplish, it would be more effective to write them down so they can refer to the list, checking them off as they do them.

Some parents will tell them not to be “so stressed out”, while they are going from one to another task, not having a minute to breathe and get relaxed. Adolescents will not miss the contradiction between their parents’ advices and their behaviour. Also, they might have a highly developed skill to evade themselves out when their father or mother are giving them a speech. Their body may be present but they are busy with their own thoughts.

As parents, we do not realize the ways in which we may be contributing to the pressure our teens feel. From our point of view, our reminders to them about their responsibilities are meant to help them take charge of their lives. But we need to be mindful that the way in which we do this, can make all the difference in whether they feel supported and understood as they seek to meet these demands, or whether they feel overwhelmed.

Sometimes, we must recognize that we are worried and stressed. If our teenagers want to talk to us about something that worry them, if it is really a bad moment for us, we can tell them that we cannot talk now, and tell them we could talk at night, for instance. And do it! We must set aside some quiet moment to listen to their concerns.

Many times, there are great expectations about academic performance and their future. That is a source of stress for parents and teens. We must be careful of not adding more pressure to them than what they have by their own. We can encourage and guide them, provide resources, take them to visit colleges and Universities, listen to them talking about their ambitions and anxieties, and hope for the best for them. But we should not need them to fulfill our own dreams.

If we show them real interest in what they want to share with us, they will have the opening they need to be able to talk about how they feel and to express their fears or frustrations. It would also be good if parents could understand that their teens must work their way through all their feelings of disappointment before they are ready to think about their options.

It is important we make our teenagers our main concern and let them notice that. Perhaps, the best we can realistically do is to remind ourselves to keep our teens at the top of our list of priorities, to the extent this is possible. Often, this means we will interrupt what we are doing, at least for a moment, to respond to our kids.

Maintaining clarity about our own priorities is necessary so that we are able to respond to our teens when they ask for our attention. Often their demands come at inconvenient times, over matters that may seem relatively insignificant to us. But if we do not respond to our teens’ requests for attention over “the little things”, we can hardly fault them for not turning to us when more difficult issues arise.

When we give them our full attention, even though if it is for some few minutes, we learn about their interests, worries, desires, abilities… Those moments spent together are an ideal opportunity for an important kind of sharing. Rather than responding with irritation, when they interrupt us, or lecturing our kids about the need to respect our work, we may understand their excitement and find a moment to continue talking or helping them. Teens will learn that they can get their parents attention, when something is important to them, and that their parents will respond to their needs. In other moments, they will be more likely to talk to their mom or dad, understanding that they will be there for them.

Bibliography:

"Teenagers Learn What They Live, Parenting to Inspire Integrity & Independence", written by Dorothy Law Nolte and Rachel Harris.

To read it in Spanish:

Para leerlo en español:

http://undiaconilusion.blogspot.com.es/2016/05/si-los-adolescentes-viven-su-vida-con.html

Emotional immaturity: most basic features

A few weeks ago, one friend of mine asked to me about the most important signs that would help us to discover immaturity in a person. I will summarize here some of them.

Emotional immaturity implies an ingenuous and intolerant perspective with regard to certain situations of life. Especially, towards what is a challenge, which is uncomfortable and what is negative. Those who have not developed an adequate degree of maturity have difficulties with suffering, frustration and uncertainty. They show a very poor self-control and self-discipline.

People that are not strong toward suffering will give up easily when there are difficulties, and will do very little to solve their own problems. They are accustomed that someone else will do what they need, so they do not develop their own skills to take care of themselves. As they are always seeking for pleasure, but they do not tolerate what it may be unpleasant, they have a big risk of addiction.

People that have a low tolerance to frustration, usually think that life goes around them. They are egocentric and feel very bad when things do not develop as they would like. They seem to be little children that do not understand the fact that we may lose, sometimes; and that we cannot do anything to change that. All we can do is to accept what has happened in order to continue with our lives. It is difficult for them to realize that they are not able to control the rest of the people.

Other manifestation of immaturity it is to have an illusion of permanence. Believing they will always have the person who gives them all what they need, close to them, the one who solves their problems and save them from their own fears. It is very difficult to let go people that are important for them. They do not accept the changes that become in a relationship, so they rigidly want things as they were. And, that is impossible. Everything is continuously changing, the same that happens with all of us.

To read it in the Spanish blog, please, go to the above link:

Para leerlo en el blog en español, por favor, accede al siguiente enlace:

http://undiaconilusion.blogspot.com.es/2016/03/inmadurez-emocional-identificacion-de_31.html

When are we emotionally dependent?

We can say that we are emotionally dependent when two of our most important elements to reach our happiness, which are the sense of security and the sense of worth, are at the mercy of others' love, attention and approval.

Also, when we stop to find what makes us enjoy our life, gives us security and self-esteem. When our world becomes smaller and when we think that all we need is what someone else gives us. When we do not have confidence in ourselves, in our own capability to obtain a great part of what we could need.

In the case we decide to depend upon other people, we are, in some way, giving up our love and respect to ourselves, as well as too many other elements that are part of our inner essence. We do all that kind of things in order to stay near them, to continue receiving what those people give us. At the same time, we stop developing aptitudes and abilities that could help us to be less dependent, paradoxically.

Emotional dependency is an addiction and it is difficult to get rid of it. Sometimes, we do not even recognize it as being something wrong, because it is much extended in society. Many of the songs we hear, a great deal of the movies we see, a lot of the books we read, as well as the education that we have received, seem to tell us that real love must be dependent to be a good one. No matter if it is toward parents, family, our partner or a friend.

It is not wrong to want something very much. But, it is a mistake to make it indispensable. The problem is when we are not capable to give up, and we continue with our relationship, instead. Even, if everything indicates we should go away, or take distance.

Unfortunately, many people believe that it is not worth living, should they not have the attention, the love or approval of someone to whom they are attached. They feel really bad when others go away or seem to be distant. It is then, when they suffer something similar to an abstinence syndrome.

Para verlo en el blog en español:

http://undiaconilusion.blogspot.com.es/2016/03/cuando-somos-emocionalmente-dependientes.html

Teenagers learn what they live; let us be good models for them

No matter how resistant or even mature our teenagers appear, the reality is that they still need us. Our kids need our time and attention, our energy and concern, and yes, even our guidance, whether or not they are willing to admit it.

I would like to share with you a very interesting text about parenting, together with some related reflections. The title of the book is "Teenagers Learn What They Live, Parenting to Inspire Integrity & Independence" and was written by Dorothy Law Nolte and Rachel Harris. They use the different lines of the poem to title the chapters of the book, explaining lots of ideas about how do our adolescents learn while they interact with us. I have the intention to comment some other ideas that called my attention. However, I hope to do so in a next occasion.

Teenagers learn what they live

If teenagers live with pressure, they learn to be stressed.

If teenagers live with failure, they learn to give up.

If teenagers live with rejection, they learn to feel lost.

If teenagers live with too many rules, they learn to get around them.

If teenagers live with too few rules, they learn to ignore the needs of others.

If teenagers live with broken promises, they learn to be disappointed.

If teenagers live with respect, they learn to honour others.

If teenagers live with trust, they learn to tell the truth.

If teenagers live with openness, they learn to discover themselves.

If teenagers live with natural consequences, they learn to be accountable.

If teenagers live with responsibility, they learn to be self-reliant.

If teenagers live with healthy habits, they learn to be kind to their bodies.

If teenagers live with support, they learn to feel good about themselves.

If teenagers live with creativity, they learn to share who they are.

If teenagers live with caring attention, they learn how to love.

If teenagers live with positive expectations, they learn to help build a better world.

It is convenient to emphasize that the moment when adolescence begins, or when it arrives to the end, is different in each person. Sometimes, we find children that look like "teens", and young people, or adults, behaving as teenagers. What it is written here, applies to all of them... So, when you read the words “teens”, “teenagers” or “adolescents”, please, consider that they can apply to a wide range of ages.

The authors want to emphasize that adolescents learn from our example; from what we do, not from what we say. The way we live our lives, the choices we make, how we spend our time, and specially the quality of our relationships, are the most powerful legacy that we pass to the next generation.

Our teenagers are learning from us even while they are rebelling against us. They are particularly sensitive and critical of any contradictions between what we say and what we do, and they seem almost to take pleasure in noticing any inconsistency. Also, they can be practically allergic to our most informative lectures, regardless of how well intentioned we might be. Therefore, we cannot transmit our values by words alone; we have to inspire them through our behaviour.  We, ourselves, are the model we present to our teenagers.

No matter how resistant or even mature our teenagers appear, the reality is that they still need us. Our kids need our time and attention, our energy and concern, and yes, even our guidance, whether or not they are willing to admit it. We need to give our teens the message that we are there for them in seemingly insignificant everyday interactions as well as moments of crisis throughout all the years of adolescence. They are never too old for this caring reassurance. It is the basis of the parenting relationship.

We must be conscious that it is much more than probable, there will be times when we will try our utmost to be the best parents we can be, yet things will still not work out the way we want. Parents of teens can legitimately feel helpless and powerless no matter how consciously they have raised their kids.

Many parents endure some challenging times during their children’s adolescence, such as a crisis, a year from hell, or at best, seemingly endless worry about real risks and dangers. Most teens come through these difficult periods having grown older and wiser from their experience. But some will not. Parents need to make their own decisions about when to seek professional help, since every situation is both complex and unique. Normally, sooner is better than later.

“Teenagers Learn What They Live” focuses on the relationships between parents and teens, not the problems. We need a warm, caring, and open relationship with our kids so that they will be honest with us about their day-to-day lives. Our greatest opportunity to influence our teenagers during these critical years is through our relationship with them. The better our connection, the more they will be willing to listen to us and consider our perspective and guidance.

Adolescence is a time of transformation for both parents and teenagers, as well as for their relationship. We must let go of our teens while we stay connected to them, balancing these opposite energies accordingly to our teenagers’ needs. Inevitably we will hold on too tightly at times, and let go too soon in other moments. I want to highlight that parenting, in general, must change us as parents. The relationship with our children and teens will teach us many things, and we should learn about ourselves, and change in us what we consider necessary.

Our teens need to become more independent and to strengthen their sense of identity. Yet, they also need to learn about interdependence and the human reality that we all have some needing and depending on each other in families, schools, communities… In interdependence, we reach better objectives, or valuable goals, when different people interact, from their own independence, to reach together what they propose to do.

Our relationship with our teenagers evolves into the relationship with our adult children. The more we can respect our teens’ right to be self-determining through the process of becoming independent, the more respect they will have for us in our future relationship with them, when they will be adults.

Bibliography:

"Teenagers Learn What They Live, Parenting to Inspire Integrity & Independence", written by Dorothy Law Nolte and Rachel Harris.