I would like to share with you
a very interesting text about parenting, together with some related reflections.
The title of the book is "Teenagers
Learn What They Live, Parenting to Inspire Integrity &
Independence" and was
written by Dorothy Law Nolte and Rachel Harris. They use the different lines of
the poem to title the chapters of the book, explaining lots of ideas about how
do our adolescents learn while they interact with us. I have the intention to
comment some other ideas that called my attention. However, I hope to do so in
a next occasion.
Teenagers learn what they live
If teenagers
live with pressure, they learn to be stressed.
If teenagers
live with failure, they learn to give up.
If teenagers
live with rejection, they learn to feel lost.
If teenagers
live with too many rules, they learn to get around them.
If teenagers
live with too few rules, they learn to ignore the needs of others.
If teenagers
live with broken promises, they learn to be disappointed.
If teenagers
live with respect, they learn to honour others.
If teenagers
live with trust, they learn to tell the truth.
If teenagers
live with openness, they learn to discover themselves.
If teenagers
live with natural consequences, they
learn to be accountable.
If teenagers
live with responsibility, they learn to be self-reliant.
If teenagers
live with healthy habits, they learn to be kind to their bodies.
If teenagers
live with support, they learn to feel good about themselves.
If teenagers
live with creativity, they learn to share who they are.
If teenagers
live with caring attention, they learn how to love.
If teenagers
live with positive expectations, they
learn to help build a better world.
It is convenient to emphasize
that the moment when adolescence begins, or when it arrives to the end, is
different in each person. Sometimes, we find children that look like
"teens", and young people, or adults, behaving as teenagers. What it is
written here, applies to all of them... So, when you read the words “teens”, “teenagers”
or “adolescents”, please, consider that they can apply to a wide range of ages.
The authors want to emphasize
that adolescents learn from our example; from what we do, not from what we say.
The way we live our lives, the choices we make, how we spend our time, and specially
the quality of our relationships, are the most powerful legacy that we pass to
the next generation.
Our teenagers are learning
from us even while they are rebelling against us. They are particularly sensitive and critical of any contradictions
between what we say and what we do, and they seem almost to take pleasure
in noticing any inconsistency. Also, they can be practically allergic to our
most informative lectures, regardless of how well intentioned we might be.
Therefore, we cannot transmit our values
by words alone; we have to inspire them through our behaviour. We, ourselves, are the model we present to
our teenagers.
No matter how resistant or
even mature our teenagers appear, the reality is that they still need us. Our kids need our time and attention, our
energy and concern, and yes, even our guidance, whether or not they are willing
to admit it. We need to give our teens
the message that we are there for them in seemingly insignificant everyday
interactions as well as moments of crisis throughout all the years of
adolescence. They are never too old for this caring reassurance. It is the
basis of the parenting relationship.
We must be conscious that it
is much more than probable, there will be times when we will try our utmost to
be the best parents we can be, yet things will still not work out the way we
want. Parents of teens can legitimately feel helpless and powerless no matter
how consciously they have raised their kids.
Many parents endure some
challenging times during their children’s adolescence, such as a crisis, a year
from hell, or at best, seemingly endless worry about real risks and dangers. Most teens come through these difficult
periods having grown older and wiser from their experience. But some will not.
Parents need to make their own decisions about when to seek professional help,
since every situation is both complex and unique. Normally, sooner is better
than later.
“Teenagers Learn What They Live” focuses on the relationships between parents and
teens, not the problems. We need a warm,
caring, and open relationship with our kids so that they will be honest
with us about their day-to-day lives. Our
greatest opportunity to influence our teenagers during these critical years is
through our relationship with them. The better our connection, the more
they will be willing to listen to us and consider our perspective and guidance.
Adolescence is a time of
transformation for both parents and teenagers, as well as for their
relationship. We must let go of our
teens while we stay connected to them,
balancing these opposite energies accordingly to our teenagers’ needs.
Inevitably we will hold on too tightly at times, and let go too soon in other
moments. I want to highlight that parenting, in general, must change us as
parents. The relationship with our children and teens will teach us many
things, and we should learn about ourselves, and change in us what we consider
necessary.
Our teens need to become more
independent and to strengthen their sense of identity. Yet, they also need to
learn about interdependence and the
human reality that we all have some needing and depending on each other in
families, schools, communities… In interdependence, we reach better objectives,
or valuable goals, when different people interact, from their own independence,
to reach together what they propose to do.
Our relationship with our
teenagers evolves into the relationship with our adult children. The more we
can respect our teens’ right to be self-determining
through the process of becoming independent, the more respect they will have
for us in our future relationship with them, when they will be adults.
