We know, by experience, that stress is
contagious. When our teens do come to us with a problem, it is important not to
overreact to the dramatic way they may present it. Teenagers can be extremely
emotional, and they have a way of talking about normal adolescent challenges as
if they were the end of the world. When they do that, we need to control our
own anxiety so that we do not respond in a way that makes things worse.
As parents, it’s very difficult for us to remain
calmed when our teens are upset, especially if their stress is about something
that was painful for us during our own adolescence. Stress is most contagious
when it is about something that we know well, because we have experienced it or
we know someone close that had the same problem.
We should be able to recognize the pressure
rising in ourselves as we listen to our kids. Then we should calm ourselves
first, by taking a few deep breaths and reminding ourselves that this is just a
momentary thing. We should reassure ourselves before helping our kids get
calmed and help them begin to solve their problem.
We need to understand and accept that our
teenagers are on an emotional roller coaster. They will fall into the depths of
despair and need to be encouraged to get recovered and keep going. We should
find a way to help them make the shift from being caught up in their emotional
dramas to figuring out what they are going to do about them.
We can help our young people to decide what they
could do first, to focus on a more effective approach. Trying to introduce them
in a problem-solving mode, the emotional crisis will be over, at least by the
moment. Together we could explore various options so they would have more
elements for their decision.
Stress
during a crisis
Dealing with stress during a crisis, a big one,
is qualitatively different than facing the day-to-day pressures. It is far more
intense, and this sometimes makes it difficult to function in everyday life.
Teenagers often receive less support from their parents during a family crisis,
just when they need it the most, because their parents are dealing with their
own reactions to the situation. It takes careful consideration to communicate
with our teens during a crisis without overwhelming them with adult fears and
responsibilities. Our teenagers need to be both informed and protected during
these times. It is a difficult balancing act, but it can be done. When we
understand that we cannot give them the attention they need and we are not in
the best mood to communicate with them, we should try to find some help and
support for all of us, coming from friends or family, and if needed, from a
specialist.
For our own emotional support, we must turn to
those relatives or friends who could help us about our fears, and ask them for
the help we need to get through this crisis. We cannot protect our teens from
the real problems, like a devastating illness, but we can protect them from our
own reaction to stress, and from worrying about grown-up problems. We need to
be strong for our kids, and to gather the strength we need from others, not
from our teens.
There are times when an entire family is too
stressed to handle one more crisis, even a little one. This is when we need the
help and support of extended family, close friends, or some external aid. As
parents, we need to recognize when we are beyond our limits, and be wise enough
to ask for help when we need it.
Teenagers need some adults who are intimately
involved in their lives. When we are too stressed to parent the way we want to,
the best thing we can do is to ask for help, for us and for our teens.
It
is very important to learn how to relax.
People exhibit stress in different ways. Every
teen has his own and unique style of responding to stress. As parents, we need
to know how they manifest their worries and talk with our kids about what is
bothering them, when it seems something is wrong. The more we know about what
is going on in their lives, the better our possibility of understanding what
may be upsetting them.
In addition, since no one can avoid stress
completely, our teenagers need to learn how to deal with it as part of their
preparation for life. They need to recognize their own stress signals early,
and to learn how to calm themselves down so they are better able to respond to
stress constructively instead of with anxiety.
Let us not forget that the most important way to
teach our kids how to handle stress is through our own example. Our teenagers know
when we are stressed out and they are experts at reading our moods. If we
become irritable and we have the tendency to lose our temper quickly, when we
are stressed, we will give a bad example to them.
By learning how to handle the very early signs of
stress, our teens will be able to direct their energy in a more constructive
way, regaining concentration and clearly setting their priorities.
Bibliography:
"Teenagers
Learn What They Live, Parenting to Inspire Integrity &
Independence", written by Dorothy Law Nolte
and Rachel Harris.
