We all know that stress is part of our lives.
There are professional, social and personal obligations that seem to keep us
running from one task to another.
Life can be just as busy for our teenagers, with
their studies, sports, extracurricular activities and, sometimes, with a job.
Our teens may feel pressures, from all directions, to achieve, to fit in, to
behave, to take risks, to compete, and finally, to understand themselves and
learn about others.
Our teenagers learn how to handle the pressure in
their lives by watching how we handle with different things in ours. Our
capacity to face the multifaceted demands we must afford, is the model we give
our teens.
Adolescence is a difficult age for kids. Teens do
not seem to look much upon us and they talk very little at home, but they still
need of our help and our advice.
If we are overwhelmed with our responsibilities
and our own problems, it may be difficult for our teens to get our attention. They
will try to communicate with us but, unfortunately, there are moments when we do
not listen to them as they would need.
It is not good to be, very often, remembering
them all the never-ending list of things they must do. If we have a number of
things we want them to accomplish, it would be more effective to write them
down so they can refer to the list, checking them off as they do them.
Some parents will tell them not to be “so
stressed out”, while they are going from one to another task, not having a
minute to breathe and get relaxed. Adolescents will not miss the contradiction
between their parents’ advices and their behaviour. Also, they might have a
highly developed skill to evade themselves out when their father or mother are
giving them a speech. Their body may be present but they are busy with their
own thoughts.
As parents, we do not realize the ways in which
we may be contributing to the pressure our teens feel. From our point of view,
our reminders to them about their responsibilities are meant to help them take
charge of their lives. But we need to be mindful that the way in which we do
this, can make all the difference in whether they feel supported and understood
as they seek to meet these demands, or whether they feel overwhelmed.
Sometimes, we must recognize that we are worried
and stressed. If our teenagers want to talk to us about something that worry
them, if it is really a bad moment for us, we can tell them that we cannot talk
now, and tell them we could talk at night, for instance. And do it! We must set
aside some quiet moment to listen to their concerns.
Many times, there are great expectations about
academic performance and their future. That is a source of stress for parents
and teens. We must be careful of not adding more pressure to them than what
they have by their own. We can encourage and guide them, provide resources,
take them to visit colleges and Universities, listen to them talking about
their ambitions and anxieties, and hope for the best for them. But we should
not need them to fulfill our own dreams.
If we show them real interest in what they want
to share with us, they will have the opening they need to be able to talk about
how they feel and to express their fears or frustrations. It would also be good
if parents could understand that their teens must work their way through all
their feelings of disappointment before they are ready to think about their
options.
It is important we make our teenagers our main
concern and let them notice that. Perhaps, the best we can realistically do is to
remind ourselves to keep our teens at the top of our list of priorities, to the
extent this is possible. Often, this means we will interrupt what we are doing,
at least for a moment, to respond to our kids.
Maintaining clarity about our own priorities is
necessary so that we are able to respond to our teens when they ask for our
attention. Often their demands come at inconvenient times, over matters that
may seem relatively insignificant to us. But if we do not respond to our teens’
requests for attention over “the little things”, we can hardly fault them for
not turning to us when more difficult issues arise.
When we give them our full attention, even though
if it is for some few minutes, we learn about their interests, worries,
desires, abilities… Those moments spent together are an ideal opportunity for
an important kind of sharing. Rather than responding with irritation, when they
interrupt us, or lecturing our kids about the need to respect our work, we may
understand their excitement and find a moment to continue talking or helping
them. Teens will learn that they can get their parents attention, when
something is important to them, and that their parents will respond to their
needs. In other moments, they will be more likely to talk to their mom or dad, understanding
that they will be there for them.
