On Marriage (Khalil Gibran)

From “The Prophet”, by Kahlil Gibran.

On Marriage

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

(Ney York City, 1923)

* * * * * * *

Del libro, “El Profeta”,  de  Khalil Gibran

Sobre el matrimonio

Nacisteis juntos, y juntos permaneceréis por siempre jamás. 

Estaréis juntos, aun cuando las blancas alas de la muerte pretendan separar vuestros días.

¡Ay! Seguiréis estando juntos, incluso en el silencioso recuerdo de Dios. 

Más, dejad que, en vuestra unión, existan espacios, 

Y permitid que los vientos de los cielos bailen entre vosotros.

Amaros el uno al otro, pero no hagáis de vuestro amor una carga:

Más bien dejad que sea un mar meciéndose entre las orillas de vuestras almas. 

Llenad, cada uno, la copa del otro pero no bebáis de la misma copa.

Compartid vuestro pan,  mas no comáis del mismo trozo.

Cantad y bailad juntos y sed alegres, pero permitid que cada uno pueda estar solo,

Hasta las cuerdas de un laúd están separadas, aunque vibren con la misma música. 

Entregad vuestros corazones, pero no para que, cada uno, esté a cargo del otro.

Pues tan sólo la mano de la Vida puede poseer vuestros corazones. 

Y permaneced juntos, aunque no demasiado próximos:

Porque los pilares del templo se sostienen por separado, 

Y ni el roble ni el ciprés crecen el uno a la sombra del otro.

(Versión inglesa, publicada en Nueva York, en 1923).

Teenagers learn what they live; let us be good models for them

No matter how resistant or even mature our teenagers appear, the reality is that they still need us. Our kids need our time and attention, our energy and concern, and yes, even our guidance, whether or not they are willing to admit it.

I would like to share with you a very interesting text about parenting, together with some related reflections. The title of the book is "Teenagers Learn What They Live, Parenting to Inspire Integrity & Independence" and was written by Dorothy Law Nolte and Rachel Harris. They use the different lines of the poem to title the chapters of the book, explaining lots of ideas about how do our adolescents learn while they interact with us. I have the intention to comment some other ideas that called my attention. However, I hope to do so in a next occasion.

Teenagers learn what they live

If teenagers live with pressure, they learn to be stressed.

If teenagers live with failure, they learn to give up.

If teenagers live with rejection, they learn to feel lost.

If teenagers live with too many rules, they learn to get around them.

If teenagers live with too few rules, they learn to ignore the needs of others.

If teenagers live with broken promises, they learn to be disappointed.

If teenagers live with respect, they learn to honour others.

If teenagers live with trust, they learn to tell the truth.

If teenagers live with openness, they learn to discover themselves.

If teenagers live with natural consequences, they learn to be accountable.

If teenagers live with responsibility, they learn to be self-reliant.

If teenagers live with healthy habits, they learn to be kind to their bodies.

If teenagers live with support, they learn to feel good about themselves.

If teenagers live with creativity, they learn to share who they are.

If teenagers live with caring attention, they learn how to love.

If teenagers live with positive expectations, they learn to help build a better world.

It is convenient to emphasize that the moment when adolescence begins, or when it arrives to the end, is different in each person. Sometimes, we find children that look like "teens", and young people, or adults, behaving as teenagers. What it is written here, applies to all of them... So, when you read the words “teens”, “teenagers” or “adolescents”, please, consider that they can apply to a wide range of ages.

The authors want to emphasize that adolescents learn from our example; from what we do, not from what we say. The way we live our lives, the choices we make, how we spend our time, and specially the quality of our relationships, are the most powerful legacy that we pass to the next generation.

Our teenagers are learning from us even while they are rebelling against us. They are particularly sensitive and critical of any contradictions between what we say and what we do, and they seem almost to take pleasure in noticing any inconsistency. Also, they can be practically allergic to our most informative lectures, regardless of how well intentioned we might be. Therefore, we cannot transmit our values by words alone; we have to inspire them through our behaviour.  We, ourselves, are the model we present to our teenagers.

No matter how resistant or even mature our teenagers appear, the reality is that they still need us. Our kids need our time and attention, our energy and concern, and yes, even our guidance, whether or not they are willing to admit it. We need to give our teens the message that we are there for them in seemingly insignificant everyday interactions as well as moments of crisis throughout all the years of adolescence. They are never too old for this caring reassurance. It is the basis of the parenting relationship.

We must be conscious that it is much more than probable, there will be times when we will try our utmost to be the best parents we can be, yet things will still not work out the way we want. Parents of teens can legitimately feel helpless and powerless no matter how consciously they have raised their kids.

Many parents endure some challenging times during their children’s adolescence, such as a crisis, a year from hell, or at best, seemingly endless worry about real risks and dangers. Most teens come through these difficult periods having grown older and wiser from their experience. But some will not. Parents need to make their own decisions about when to seek professional help, since every situation is both complex and unique. Normally, sooner is better than later.

“Teenagers Learn What They Live” focuses on the relationships between parents and teens, not the problems. We need a warm, caring, and open relationship with our kids so that they will be honest with us about their day-to-day lives. Our greatest opportunity to influence our teenagers during these critical years is through our relationship with them. The better our connection, the more they will be willing to listen to us and consider our perspective and guidance.

Adolescence is a time of transformation for both parents and teenagers, as well as for their relationship. We must let go of our teens while we stay connected to them, balancing these opposite energies accordingly to our teenagers’ needs. Inevitably we will hold on too tightly at times, and let go too soon in other moments. I want to highlight that parenting, in general, must change us as parents. The relationship with our children and teens will teach us many things, and we should learn about ourselves, and change in us what we consider necessary.

Our teens need to become more independent and to strengthen their sense of identity. Yet, they also need to learn about interdependence and the human reality that we all have some needing and depending on each other in families, schools, communities… In interdependence, we reach better objectives, or valuable goals, when different people interact, from their own independence, to reach together what they propose to do.

Our relationship with our teenagers evolves into the relationship with our adult children. The more we can respect our teens’ right to be self-determining through the process of becoming independent, the more respect they will have for us in our future relationship with them, when they will be adults.

Bibliography:

"Teenagers Learn What They Live, Parenting to Inspire Integrity & Independence", written by Dorothy Law Nolte and Rachel Harris.