I wish you enough (Bob Perks)

Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport.

Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said "I love you and I wish you enough." The daughter replied, "Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom." They kissed and the daughter left.

The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. I asked her, "When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say 'I wish you enough'. May I ask what that means?" She began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone".

She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. "When we said 'I wish you enough' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them". Then turning toward me she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory:

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.

I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

To read it in Spanish:

Para leerlo en español:

Te deseo lo suficiente (Autor: Bob Perks)

 http://undiaconilusion.blogspot.com.es/2017/09/te-deseo-lo-suficiente-autor-bob-perks.html

Image: http://media.istockphoto.com/vectors/passengers-in-queue-waiting-checkin-counters-at-airport-vector-id690733910?k=6&m=6907339

On crime and punishment (Khalil Gibran)

Then one of the judges of the city stood forth and said, "Speak to us of Crime and Punishment." 

And he answered saying: 

It is when your spirit goes wandering upon the wind,

That you, alone and unguarded, commit a wrong unto others and therefore unto yourself.

And for that wrong committed must you knock and wait a while unheeded at the gate of the blessed.

Like the ocean is your god-self;

It remains for ever undefiled.

And like the ether it lifts but the winged.

Even like the sun is your god-self;

It knows not the ways of the mole nor seeks it the holes of the serpent.

But your god-self does not dwell alone in your being.

Much in you is still man, and much in you is not yet man,

But a shapeless pigmy that walks asleep in the mist searching for its own awakening.

And of the man in you would I now speak.

For it is he and not your god-self nor the pigmy in the mist, that knows crime and the punishment of crime. 

Oftentimes have I heard you speak of one who commits a wrong as though he were not one of you, but a stranger unto you and an intruder upon your world.

But I say that even as the holy and the righteous cannot rise beyond the highest which is in each one of you,

So the wicked and the weak cannot fall lower than the lowest which is in you also.

And as a single leaf turns not yellow but with the silent knowledge of the whole tree,

So the wrong-doer cannot do wrong without the hidden will of you all.

Like a procession you walk together towards your god-self.

You are the way and the wayfarers.

And when one of you falls down he falls for those behind him, a caution against the stumbling stone.

Ay, and he falls for those ahead of him, who though faster and surer of foot, yet removed not the stumbling stone. 

And this also, though the words lie heavy upon your hearts:

The murdered is not unaccountable for his own murder,

And the robbed is not blameless in being robbed.

The righteous is not innocent of the deeds of the wicked,

And the white-handed is not clean in the doings of the felon.

Yea, the guilty is oftentimes the victim of the injured,

And still more often the condemned is the burden-bearer for the guiltless and unblamed.

You cannot separate the just from the unjust and the good from the wicked;

For they stand together before the face of the sun even as the black thread and the white are woven together.

And when the black thread breaks, the weaver shall look into the whole cloth, and he shall examine the loom also.

If any of you would bring judgment the unfaithful wife,

Let him also weigh the heart of her husband in scales, and measure his soul with measurements.

And let him who would lash the offender look unto the spirit of the offended.

And if any of you would punish in the name of righteousness and lay the ax unto the evil tree, let him see to its roots;

And verily he will find the roots of the good and the bad, the fruitful and the fruitless, all entwined together in the silent heart of the earth.

And you judges, who would be just,

What judgment pronounce you upon him who though honest in the flesh yet is a thief in spirit?

What penalty lay you upon him who slays in the flesh yet is himself slain in the spirit?

And how prosecute you him who in action is a deceiver and an oppressor,

Yet who also is aggrieved and outraged? 

And how shall you punish those whose remorse is already greater than their misdeeds?

Is not remorse the justice which is administered by that very law which you would fain serve?

Yet you cannot lay remorse upon the innocent nor lift it from the heart of the guilty.

Unbidden shall it call in the night, that men may wake and gaze upon themselves.

And you who would understand justice, how shall you unless you look upon all deeds in the fullness of light?

Only then shall you know that the erect and the fallen are but one man standing in twilight between the night of his pigmy-self and the day of his god-self,

And that the corner-stone of the temple is not higher than the lowest stone in its foundation. 

Bibliography:

KHALIL GIBRAN: “The Prophet”, Chapter “On crime and punishment”.

   

Image: george-grosz-del-fragor-tumultuoso-al-silencio-atronador-60-638

George grosz. del fragor tumultuoso al silencio atronador Slideshare638 × 479

1918-19 Café Pluma, tinta y acuarela (24 x 31,8 cm)

Children learn what they live, by Dorothy Law Nolte

It comes to my mind the attention I paid to what I read in a poster titled “Children learn what they live”, more than twenty years ago. It contained some sentences about the education of children, written by Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D. (1924-2005).

The author wrote these statements in 1954 for The Torrance Herald, a journal of Los Angeles County, State of California. Later on, without the knowledge of the writer, the above text was massively published by a Company, manufacturer of food products for children. When the author discovered that millions of copies were distributed, she decided to apply for the intellectual property of the work to be registered, thus having the author´s rights, since 1972. However, she let the Company to continue using her text, freely.

In 1998, she wrote “Children learn what they live: Parenting to inspire values”, with the collaboration of Rachel Harris. The book was translated into eighteen languages. A complete chapter was dedicated to each single sentence of the text.

Both, the written statements and the book, want to emphasize the importance that the behavior of the adults has in the educational process and learning of our kids, which is the best example for the children.

Children learn what they live

By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.

If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.

If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.

If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.

If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.

If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.

If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty. 

If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.

If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.

If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.

If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.

If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.

If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.

If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.

If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.

If children live with fairness, they learn justice.

If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.

If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.

If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Copyright © 1972 by Dorothy Law Nolte

Image found in Internet, modified for the blog: 13962734-ejemplo-de-los-padres-de-familia-feliz-hijo-e-hija-Foto-de-archivo

Para leerlo en español:

To read it in Spanish: 

http://undiaconilusion.blogspot.com.es/2017/01/los-ninos-aprenden-lo-que-viven-de.html

Being careful of the stress of our teens

We know, by experience, that stress is contagious. When our teens do come to us with a problem, it is important not to overreact to the dramatic way they may present it. Teenagers can be extremely emotional, and they have a way of talking about normal adolescent challenges as if they were the end of the world. When they do that, we need to control our own anxiety so that we do not respond in a way that makes things worse.

As parents, it’s very difficult for us to remain calmed when our teens are upset, especially if their stress is about something that was painful for us during our own adolescence. Stress is most contagious when it is about something that we know well, because we have experienced it or we know someone close that had the same problem.

We should be able to recognize the pressure rising in ourselves as we listen to our kids. Then we should calm ourselves first, by taking a few deep breaths and reminding ourselves that this is just a momentary thing. We should reassure ourselves before helping our kids get calmed and help them begin to solve their problem.

We need to understand and accept that our teenagers are on an emotional roller coaster. They will fall into the depths of despair and need to be encouraged to get recovered and keep going. We should find a way to help them make the shift from being caught up in their emotional dramas to figuring out what they are going to do about them.

We can help our young people to decide what they could do first, to focus on a more effective approach. Trying to introduce them in a problem-solving mode, the emotional crisis will be over, at least by the moment. Together we could explore various options so they would have more elements for their decision.

Stress during a crisis

Dealing with stress during a crisis, a big one, is qualitatively different than facing the day-to-day pressures. It is far more intense, and this sometimes makes it difficult to function in everyday life. Teenagers often receive less support from their parents during a family crisis, just when they need it the most, because their parents are dealing with their own reactions to the situation. It takes careful consideration to communicate with our teens during a crisis without overwhelming them with adult fears and responsibilities. Our teenagers need to be both informed and protected during these times. It is a difficult balancing act, but it can be done. When we understand that we cannot give them the attention they need and we are not in the best mood to communicate with them, we should try to find some help and support for all of us, coming from friends or family, and if needed, from a specialist.

For our own emotional support, we must turn to those relatives or friends who could help us about our fears, and ask them for the help we need to get through this crisis. We cannot protect our teens from the real problems, like a devastating illness, but we can protect them from our own reaction to stress, and from worrying about grown-up problems. We need to be strong for our kids, and to gather the strength we need from others, not from our teens.

There are times when an entire family is too stressed to handle one more crisis, even a little one. This is when we need the help and support of extended family, close friends, or some external aid. As parents, we need to recognize when we are beyond our limits, and be wise enough to ask for help when we need it.

Teenagers need some adults who are intimately involved in their lives. When we are too stressed to parent the way we want to, the best thing we can do is to ask for help, for us and for our teens.

It is very important to learn how to relax.

People exhibit stress in different ways. Every teen has his own and unique style of responding to stress. As parents, we need to know how they manifest their worries and talk with our kids about what is bothering them, when it seems something is wrong. The more we know about what is going on in their lives, the better our possibility of understanding what may be upsetting them.

In addition, since no one can avoid stress completely, our teenagers need to learn how to deal with it as part of their preparation for life. They need to recognize their own stress signals early, and to learn how to calm themselves down so they are better able to respond to stress constructively instead of with anxiety.

Let us not forget that the most important way to teach our kids how to handle stress is through our own example. Our teenagers know when we are stressed out and they are experts at reading our moods. If we become irritable and we have the tendency to lose our temper quickly, when we are stressed, we will give a bad example to them.

By learning how to handle the very early signs of stress, our teens will be able to direct their energy in a more constructive way, regaining concentration and clearly setting their priorities.

Bibliography:

"Teenagers Learn What They Live, Parenting to Inspire Integrity & Independence", written by Dorothy Law Nolte and Rachel Harris.

Internet image, published by 123RF, modified for this blog.

http://es.123rf.com/photo_56727179_bienestar-mental-una-muchacha-de-ciclo-en-el-buen-tiempo-para-reducir-el-estr-s.html

Para leer este artículo en español:

http://undiaconilusion.blogspot.com.es/2017/01/pendientes-del-estres-de-nuestros-hijos.html

On Marriage (Khalil Gibran)

From “The Prophet”, by Kahlil Gibran.

On Marriage

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

(Ney York City, 1923)

* * * * * * *

Del libro, “El Profeta”,  de  Khalil Gibran

Sobre el matrimonio

Nacisteis juntos, y juntos permaneceréis por siempre jamás. 

Estaréis juntos, aun cuando las blancas alas de la muerte pretendan separar vuestros días.

¡Ay! Seguiréis estando juntos, incluso en el silencioso recuerdo de Dios. 

Más, dejad que, en vuestra unión, existan espacios, 

Y permitid que los vientos de los cielos bailen entre vosotros.

Amaros el uno al otro, pero no hagáis de vuestro amor una carga:

Más bien dejad que sea un mar meciéndose entre las orillas de vuestras almas. 

Llenad, cada uno, la copa del otro pero no bebáis de la misma copa.

Compartid vuestro pan,  mas no comáis del mismo trozo.

Cantad y bailad juntos y sed alegres, pero permitid que cada uno pueda estar solo,

Hasta las cuerdas de un laúd están separadas, aunque vibren con la misma música. 

Entregad vuestros corazones, pero no para que, cada uno, esté a cargo del otro.

Pues tan sólo la mano de la Vida puede poseer vuestros corazones. 

Y permaneced juntos, aunque no demasiado próximos:

Porque los pilares del templo se sostienen por separado, 

Y ni el roble ni el ciprés crecen el uno a la sombra del otro.

(Versión inglesa, publicada en Nueva York, en 1923).

The main target for adolescents must be to discover who they are

During our teens’ high school years, they must have different opportunities for being able to explore their interests and dreams, to discover what is a passion and gives them a sense to their lives.

Even though our days may be overscheduled and stressful, we must do an effort to permit that the future of our teens would not be the same as ours. We need to remember that our teenagers need plenty of time of reduced activity or inactivity. We have to be very careful not to overload them by always imposing a goal-directed schedule. After all, the main job of adolescents is to discover who they are. This is their time to explore friendships and love, their talents and dreams… We need to make sure that our teens have the unstructured time they need to just “hang out” and do “nothing” while they discover who they really are, and who they want to become.

As parents, we need to respect the time our teenagers need for their own self-discovery. What looks like doing “nothing” may be extremely important time for them to reflect, relax, and figure out where they would be willing to go. This is an important part of growing up, and it prepares teens for the inevitable stresses of their young adulthood. In a few short years they will be making decisions about college, careers, and love relationships that will contribute to shape the rest of their lives. The more they learn about themselves now, the wiser they will be when it comes the moment to take those decisions.

What is your opinion?

Bibliography:

"Teenagers Learn What They Live, Parenting to Inspire Integrity & Independence", written by Dorothy Law Nolte and Rachel Harris.

Para leerlo en español, por favor, accede al siguiente enlace:

http://undiaconilusion.blogspot.com.es/2016/05/la-principal-tarea-de-los-adolescentes.html

If teenagers live with pressure, they learn to be stressed

We all know that stress is part of our lives. There are professional, social and personal obligations that seem to keep us running from one task to another.

Life can be just as busy for our teenagers, with their studies, sports, extracurricular activities and, sometimes, with a job. Our teens may feel pressures, from all directions, to achieve, to fit in, to behave, to take risks, to compete, and finally, to understand themselves and learn about others.

Our teenagers learn how to handle the pressure in their lives by watching how we handle with different things in ours. Our capacity to face the multifaceted demands we must afford, is the model we give our teens.

Adolescence is a difficult age for kids. Teens do not seem to look much upon us and they talk very little at home, but they still need of our help and our advice.

If we are overwhelmed with our responsibilities and our own problems, it may be difficult for our teens to get our attention. They will try to communicate with us but, unfortunately, there are moments when we do not listen to them as they would need.

It is not good to be, very often, remembering them all the never-ending list of things they must do. If we have a number of things we want them to accomplish, it would be more effective to write them down so they can refer to the list, checking them off as they do them.

Some parents will tell them not to be “so stressed out”, while they are going from one to another task, not having a minute to breathe and get relaxed. Adolescents will not miss the contradiction between their parents’ advices and their behaviour. Also, they might have a highly developed skill to evade themselves out when their father or mother are giving them a speech. Their body may be present but they are busy with their own thoughts.

As parents, we do not realize the ways in which we may be contributing to the pressure our teens feel. From our point of view, our reminders to them about their responsibilities are meant to help them take charge of their lives. But we need to be mindful that the way in which we do this, can make all the difference in whether they feel supported and understood as they seek to meet these demands, or whether they feel overwhelmed.

Sometimes, we must recognize that we are worried and stressed. If our teenagers want to talk to us about something that worry them, if it is really a bad moment for us, we can tell them that we cannot talk now, and tell them we could talk at night, for instance. And do it! We must set aside some quiet moment to listen to their concerns.

Many times, there are great expectations about academic performance and their future. That is a source of stress for parents and teens. We must be careful of not adding more pressure to them than what they have by their own. We can encourage and guide them, provide resources, take them to visit colleges and Universities, listen to them talking about their ambitions and anxieties, and hope for the best for them. But we should not need them to fulfill our own dreams.

If we show them real interest in what they want to share with us, they will have the opening they need to be able to talk about how they feel and to express their fears or frustrations. It would also be good if parents could understand that their teens must work their way through all their feelings of disappointment before they are ready to think about their options.

It is important we make our teenagers our main concern and let them notice that. Perhaps, the best we can realistically do is to remind ourselves to keep our teens at the top of our list of priorities, to the extent this is possible. Often, this means we will interrupt what we are doing, at least for a moment, to respond to our kids.

Maintaining clarity about our own priorities is necessary so that we are able to respond to our teens when they ask for our attention. Often their demands come at inconvenient times, over matters that may seem relatively insignificant to us. But if we do not respond to our teens’ requests for attention over “the little things”, we can hardly fault them for not turning to us when more difficult issues arise.

When we give them our full attention, even though if it is for some few minutes, we learn about their interests, worries, desires, abilities… Those moments spent together are an ideal opportunity for an important kind of sharing. Rather than responding with irritation, when they interrupt us, or lecturing our kids about the need to respect our work, we may understand their excitement and find a moment to continue talking or helping them. Teens will learn that they can get their parents attention, when something is important to them, and that their parents will respond to their needs. In other moments, they will be more likely to talk to their mom or dad, understanding that they will be there for them.

Bibliography:

"Teenagers Learn What They Live, Parenting to Inspire Integrity & Independence", written by Dorothy Law Nolte and Rachel Harris.

To read it in Spanish:

Para leerlo en español:

http://undiaconilusion.blogspot.com.es/2016/05/si-los-adolescentes-viven-su-vida-con.html