Teenagers learn what they live; let us be good models for them

No matter how resistant or even mature our teenagers appear, the reality is that they still need us. Our kids need our time and attention, our energy and concern, and yes, even our guidance, whether or not they are willing to admit it.

I would like to share with you a very interesting text about parenting, together with some related reflections. The title of the book is "Teenagers Learn What They Live, Parenting to Inspire Integrity & Independence" and was written by Dorothy Law Nolte and Rachel Harris. They use the different lines of the poem to title the chapters of the book, explaining lots of ideas about how do our adolescents learn while they interact with us. I have the intention to comment some other ideas that called my attention. However, I hope to do so in a next occasion.

Teenagers learn what they live

If teenagers live with pressure, they learn to be stressed.

If teenagers live with failure, they learn to give up.

If teenagers live with rejection, they learn to feel lost.

If teenagers live with too many rules, they learn to get around them.

If teenagers live with too few rules, they learn to ignore the needs of others.

If teenagers live with broken promises, they learn to be disappointed.

If teenagers live with respect, they learn to honour others.

If teenagers live with trust, they learn to tell the truth.

If teenagers live with openness, they learn to discover themselves.

If teenagers live with natural consequences, they learn to be accountable.

If teenagers live with responsibility, they learn to be self-reliant.

If teenagers live with healthy habits, they learn to be kind to their bodies.

If teenagers live with support, they learn to feel good about themselves.

If teenagers live with creativity, they learn to share who they are.

If teenagers live with caring attention, they learn how to love.

If teenagers live with positive expectations, they learn to help build a better world.

It is convenient to emphasize that the moment when adolescence begins, or when it arrives to the end, is different in each person. Sometimes, we find children that look like "teens", and young people, or adults, behaving as teenagers. What it is written here, applies to all of them... So, when you read the words “teens”, “teenagers” or “adolescents”, please, consider that they can apply to a wide range of ages.

The authors want to emphasize that adolescents learn from our example; from what we do, not from what we say. The way we live our lives, the choices we make, how we spend our time, and specially the quality of our relationships, are the most powerful legacy that we pass to the next generation.

Our teenagers are learning from us even while they are rebelling against us. They are particularly sensitive and critical of any contradictions between what we say and what we do, and they seem almost to take pleasure in noticing any inconsistency. Also, they can be practically allergic to our most informative lectures, regardless of how well intentioned we might be. Therefore, we cannot transmit our values by words alone; we have to inspire them through our behaviour.  We, ourselves, are the model we present to our teenagers.

No matter how resistant or even mature our teenagers appear, the reality is that they still need us. Our kids need our time and attention, our energy and concern, and yes, even our guidance, whether or not they are willing to admit it. We need to give our teens the message that we are there for them in seemingly insignificant everyday interactions as well as moments of crisis throughout all the years of adolescence. They are never too old for this caring reassurance. It is the basis of the parenting relationship.

We must be conscious that it is much more than probable, there will be times when we will try our utmost to be the best parents we can be, yet things will still not work out the way we want. Parents of teens can legitimately feel helpless and powerless no matter how consciously they have raised their kids.

Many parents endure some challenging times during their children’s adolescence, such as a crisis, a year from hell, or at best, seemingly endless worry about real risks and dangers. Most teens come through these difficult periods having grown older and wiser from their experience. But some will not. Parents need to make their own decisions about when to seek professional help, since every situation is both complex and unique. Normally, sooner is better than later.

“Teenagers Learn What They Live” focuses on the relationships between parents and teens, not the problems. We need a warm, caring, and open relationship with our kids so that they will be honest with us about their day-to-day lives. Our greatest opportunity to influence our teenagers during these critical years is through our relationship with them. The better our connection, the more they will be willing to listen to us and consider our perspective and guidance.

Adolescence is a time of transformation for both parents and teenagers, as well as for their relationship. We must let go of our teens while we stay connected to them, balancing these opposite energies accordingly to our teenagers’ needs. Inevitably we will hold on too tightly at times, and let go too soon in other moments. I want to highlight that parenting, in general, must change us as parents. The relationship with our children and teens will teach us many things, and we should learn about ourselves, and change in us what we consider necessary.

Our teens need to become more independent and to strengthen their sense of identity. Yet, they also need to learn about interdependence and the human reality that we all have some needing and depending on each other in families, schools, communities… In interdependence, we reach better objectives, or valuable goals, when different people interact, from their own independence, to reach together what they propose to do.

Our relationship with our teenagers evolves into the relationship with our adult children. The more we can respect our teens’ right to be self-determining through the process of becoming independent, the more respect they will have for us in our future relationship with them, when they will be adults.

Bibliography:

"Teenagers Learn What They Live, Parenting to Inspire Integrity & Independence", written by Dorothy Law Nolte and Rachel Harris.

We need both, vertical and lateral thinking

Lateral thinking is concerned with generating new approaches, and with the escape from old ones.

I started reading about creativity, thinking techniques, and lateral thinking, many years ago. These issues continue being as much important as they were when I started to be interested in them. Although they are quite different subjects, from others that I have been writing about, we can find a lot of information that could be very interesting for all of us. At that time, I was especially concerned with Edward De Bono’s books. Therefore, I would like to share with you a small part of his huge work. We shall try to see how it can fit into our lives.

De Bono gives the name of vertical thinking to our traditional, logical, way of thinking because we proceed, directly, from a state of information to another one, and there is continuity between different steps. Traditional education goes this way, and for many people it is the only valid way to think. De Bono considers vertical thinking is important, so he gives us many techniques for developing it on a conscious way. It is also known as convergent thinking.

It would be almost impossible to find an answer for the many of the problems we must solve, if we only use vertical logical thinking, says the author. Also, it would be difficult to find new ideas if we look to information in the same way we have always managed. Lateral thinking introduces discontinuity, or a change in direction. We may also refer to this type of thinking as divergent thinking or creative thinking.

Lateral thinking helps us to find an idea. Vertical thinking will be used to develop it.

When vertical thinking arrives to a dead end, and it doesn’t lead you anywhere, lateral thinking changes the approach so that vertical thinking can proceed again.

Rarely, does lateral thinking actually provide a solution by itself. Usually, it simply provides a new approach or rescues someone that has been blocked by a particular idea.

When lateral thinking casts doubt on a well-established idea or concept, the intention is not to make that idea unusable. We need to use the ideas we have, otherwise it would be impossible to proceed at all. What lateral thinking does is to open up the possibility of restructuring the idea in order to bring it up to date; looking other ways to work with that idea, to be able to find new approaches and ways to look at what we are working on. It is not so much a matter of creating chronic dissatisfaction with current ideas, but of creating the hope of restructuring them.

Once one has acquired the habit of lateral thinking, the actual use of it is not confined to formal occasions or techniques but mingles with the use of vertical thinking, naturally. However, before that stage can be reached, one does have to pay attention to the principles of lateral thinking and also develop some skill, through practice.

Lateral thinking is concerned with generating new approaches, and with the escape from old ones. It is not a method for decision or for action. Once the ideas have been generated, one has to look to see their usefulness before putting them into action. We can use the full rigor of vertical thinking to examine the ideas that have been generated by the use of lateral thinking.

Lateral thinking is not something that is to be used all the time. In practice, one might use lateral thinking some five percent of the time and vertical thinking the other ninety-five percent of the time. It will be determined by the issue you are working on and the nature of the situation. If you have to come up with a new product, or you cannot solve a problem with vertical thinking, then you should spend some time thinking laterally. But in the normal course of events, one might spend no more than three minutes a day thinking laterally about some problem. And that is really a small amount of time anyone can afford, especially when the reward can be huge.

As well as we may improve in our way to use vertical thinking, we are also able to learn about lateral thinking and its principles, as well as we practice some skills and techniques that will help us to employ a lateral approach when needed. When we learn how to face situations in a different way we become less inclined to be rigid, or arrogant, or dogmatic. We can use our ideas, or the ideas from others, differently, exploring them for what they are worth.

I invite you to start with me this new path, at least new for many of you. Someway, it is also different and innovative for me. I have read many books about thinking, creativity, and lateral thinking. However, it is the first time I write about these for other people. Hope we enjoy, learn very much, and find it to be useful for us.

Bibliography:

Edward de Bono: “Lateral Thinking for Management”, Penguin Books.

Edward de Bono: “The Use of Lateral Thinking”, Penguin Books.

We must give early support to children

Our kids need to have adults close to them, when entering into the very difficult process of discovering things, sensations and feelings. They need to be guided by someone that introduces them to the mystery of life; to teach kids how to grow on, and develop.

To explain they should learn from experience.

Help children to find out their particularities. Giving them the opportunity to discover and develop their strengths and virtues, and to improve in those aspects they do not perform well.

Help our kids how to solve the problems they have, knowing that they will have our advice, our support and our help, if needed. We should not solve their problems.

Help them to have confidence in themselves; allowing children to take their own decisions, and learn from mistakes.

Teach our children how to seek for objectives and goals, according to their age. Giving kids the tools they will need to reach them.

The animal school: A master lesson of how we must teach

Up to now, there has been nobody to find a global teaching formula. Therefore, it is crucial to find a good teacher for our children.

Perhaps you did not have the opportunity to read a very nice and inspiring animal fable, written by Dr. R. H. Reeves. I have much pleasure in bringing it to you, as I am convinced that you will enjoy it. It is more than likely that you shall think about it, quite a lot of times, after having read it.

The Animal School

Once upon a time, the animals decided they must do something heroic to meet the problems of a “New World,” so they organized a school.  They adopted an activity curriculum consisting of running, climbing, swimming and flying.  To make it easier to administer, all animals took all the subjects.

The duck was excellent in swimming, better in fact than his instructor, and made excellent grades in flying, but he was very poor in running.  Since he was low in running he had to stay after school and also drop swimming to practice running.  This was kept up until his web feet were badly worn and he was only average in swimming.  But average was acceptable in school, so nobody worried about that except the duck.

The rabbit started at the top of the class in running, but had a nervous breakdown because of so much make up in swimming.

The squirrel was excellent in climbing until he developed frustrations in the flying class where his teacher made him start from the ground up instead of from the tree-top down.  He also developed charley horses from over-exertion and he got a C in climbing and a D in running.

The eagle was a problem child and had to be disciplined severely.  In climbing class he beat all the others to the top of the tree, but insisted on using his own way of getting there.

At the end of the year, an abnormal eel that could swim exceedingly well and also could run, climb and fly a little had the highest average and was valedictorian.

The prairie dogs stayed out of school and fought the tax levy because the administration would not add digging and burrowing to the curriculum. They apprenticed their children to the badger and later joined the groundhogs and gophers to start a successful private school.

This story talks about teaching and learning, at school. Here, I invite you to consider how this fable can be used for our children education at home. Most important, we shall learn how to value the different abilities of our kids. We shall recognize the effort they make to reach their targets, as we shall keep in mind the different skills each of our children is provided, individually. 

We cannot ask all of our children to do the same, or to give the same type of answers, if we want to make justice to them. We should never try to constrain our kids to fit into the mold that we had, erroneously, prepared for them. We ought to help our kids to develop the best of their skills. By doing so, we shall motivate our children to improve in other areas where their expectations are not so high.

  

Our inner storms

We are suddenly woken up when it happens to face one of our inner storms. Then, we become aware of many things that we had not seen before. It is time to stop. It is time to think, to grow internally, and to take important decisions.

If we look back to our personal story, we can see that a great part of it has developed in an orderly way, without too many surprises, or incidents, that could have changed the direction of our lives.

Usually, we let us go ourselves, accepting life as it comes, making our navigation unconscious.

In other moments, we are at the helm of our ship and try to bring it into port, safely.

From time to time, however, people irrupt into our life, or decide to run away from it. Also, we have to face new experiences, or unexpected situations that can shake our soul, forcing us to see the world from another perspective. When this happens, it may be convenient to revise some of our past, reinforce our present and look at the future from a different point of view.

Many people would like to enjoy a peaceful and predictable living, with a lack of troubles.

Some individuals seem to follow a script, without major changes, the same being gradual and moderate, until the end of their days.

Other, have difficult and hazardous lives. It seems they cannot have a calmed and predetermined existence. From time to time, they need elements that contribute to verify the course they are taking.

Long before the big storms arrive, some small incidents may take place, purpose of which, is to warn us to take the reins of our own life, straighten certain aspects, or open new paths. But we are not interested to see these signs, not even the alarm risks. We want to ignore them, or we just make some temporary changes, in order to continue in our own way.

Later on, in spite of our loss of sight and lack of attention, there will appear strong shakings, in order to wake us up, force us to change our mind and make us to grow up. These are big inner storms that can be triggered by positive, nice and wonderful elements; or, by other painful, sad, distressing, or frustrating happenings. Very often, it seems to be a combination of both. They move us with such power that we cannot remain impassive towards them, starting many changes inside us.

…this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm…

And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about.”

Haruki Murakami, “Kafka on the Shore”

What to do when we are confronted to situations, events and emotions which mean a revolution in our lives, seem to exceed us, and move us deeply?

It is not recommended to fight against these internal storms. As well as the external ones, they will come to an end. We can do nothing to stop them.

While the events are developing, we should look how to take care of ourselves and realize what is happening.

Then, step by step, without knowing when or how, we begin to feel better. We examine our lives from a new approach, which leads us to a better understanding of both, our past and our present. We use our strengths, our skills and knowledge to develop plans and projects for the present and for the future.

When we cannot change a situation, we must accept it as it is, or change ourselves.

“Calm comes after the storm". Without any doubt, a new time will arrive. A new and peaceful period for our lives will appear, much more quiet, with a greater depth and richness. Until new challenges, events and people will move again our existence. Will they be favorable winds for sailing? Shall strong movements correct again the course of our life? We will see!

  

To speak, or to remain silent

Sometimes, we do not know whether to speak or whether we should remain silent. To make our decision, we will consider the situation, the moment and our interlocutor.

This message helped me to develop the basic idea of this article: to speak, or to remain silent:

"If you swallow everything you are feeling you shall be overwhelmed by grief, at the end. It is much better that you express, or canalize it, someway”.

We are continually learning new things, and trying to "unlearn" others; modifying our behavior, according to circumstances, knowledge and experiences. As always, it seems certain that virtue is at the mean.

Sometimes, we might decide to keep quiet, preserving our privacy, and not communicating to others what we think, or feel.

During some stages of our life, or in some situations, we tend to silence many things. That is not good at all. We don’t talk about what makes us worry. We don’t deliberately decide to do this. We keep silence because we are afraid to speak or reveal what happens to us. Maybe, we don’t have enough self-confidence, or we doubt if people will understand and listen to us, really.

We accumulate everything inside us; what we feel, what happens to us, what we want: our fears, our doubts. We are like a bomb ready to explode. There are too many emotions and thoughts. We feel confused and paralyzed. We go around the same things, one day and another. We need serenity to understand what happens to us, and try to find solutions to our difficulties.

We should learn how to express what we are thinking and what we feel.  Sometimes, we don’t have things clear. We should take our time to clarify the ideas and to calm ourselves. We must be very careful when talking to others, in order to avoid that they may get confused because of our words.

Usually, we move to the opposite extreme. This happens, when expressing all kind of feelings to the others, without any limit; as we think that they understand and know us, very well. Mistakenly, we believe that we can freely express all our thoughts and the feelings of our hearts to them. We hardly see that, perhaps, they are not the best persons to talk about what is happening to us; or that it is not a good moment to have an enough formal conversation.

While there is confusion in us, it would be better to write for ourselves what we need to express. This would help us to clarify our doubts and concerns. Then, we can decide whether it is wise to talk to the other person. Thus, we avoid the danger to let the other person to discover the feelings of our hearts, unnecessarily.

Another way to drive the feelings and the thoughts that we may have is to engage ourselves in activities that we enjoy, that make us feel useful, productive and creative.

This is a short text written from the Spanish one: “Hablar o callar”. To see the Spanish version go to this link:

http://undiaconilusion.blogspot.com.es/2015/06/hablar-o-callar.html

Este es un texto corto en inglés escrito desde el texto en español: “Hablar o callar”. Para acceder al texto en español, accede al siguiente link:

http://undiaconilusion.blogspot.com.es/2015/06/hablar-o-callar.html